Ever wondered what an ex REALLY thought of you as a lover? Or what was the REAL reason you split?
Unless you stay good friends and have the courage to ask, we rarely find out the answers to these questions.
I asked three women, with very different relationships with an ex, to reach out and ask them to reveal all.
Spill the dirt on what they honestly thought about their relationship and sex life.
The results were fascinating.
This week, British sex expert Tracey Cox had three women ask their ex partners what their relationships and sex life was really like (stock imge)
‘IT WAS YOUR DRINKING, NOT THE FIGHTS, THAT BROKE US UP’
Kate, 40, dated Charlie for a year
‘I had a relationship with Charlie when I was 38. He was the best-looking man I’d ever been with and I was besotted with him. He dumped me because we argued constantly. I was broken-hearted but we eventually went on to become polite acquaintances.’
The sex: ‘I remember the very first time we had sex. I undressed you and stroked you all over and you just laid back and watched me admire you. It was sexy at the time, but it was a hint of things to come. I do feel our sex was mostly all about me pleasuring you.
I liked that you were upfront about what you like and didn’t like, though I bet lots of guys are freaked out by how direct you are. I also love that you’re really into receiving oral sex: I used to love looking up to watch you orgasm. You really lose yourself in sex. The sex we had at the start was pretty amazing actually, thinking about it now.
The enthusiasm tailed off on both sides towards the end but that’s because we fought all the time. It’s a shame we weren’t into ‘make-up sex’ because there were so many arguments, there would have been lots of it.’
The relationship: ‘You already know I called it quits because the constant arguing was making me physically ill. Fine to be up screaming at each other at 3am when you’re in your early 20s but not when you have a business to run.
The three women revealed what their former flames had thought of their relationships, with surprising results
To be brutally frank – and you won’t like this – it wasn’t the arguments that broke me it was your drinking. The drinking caused the fights. Every single argument we had happened when you were drunk. We’d be happy and fine one minute and after that third or fourth glass of wine, you’d switch into angry girl. I know you feel insecure in relationships because your parents both had affairs but it’s not my fault that happened. If you’d cut back on drinking – or better still, given up – I’d have stuck around. I didn’t ask you to do that because I knew what your answer would have been – no way!’
‘I wasn’t surprised to read his response about how I was in bed: I’ve had a few lovers hint at the same. Basically, that I’m selfish sexually. But I had no idea that my drinking was such a big part of why we broke up! It makes me sad. If he’d told me that at the time, we could probably have fixed the relationship. I feel embarrassed being called on it, but I am aware I have issues with alcohol and have already cut down a lot.’
‘MY FRIENDS NICKNAMED HIM THE BIG BANANA’
Louise, 34, had a casual relationship with Ben
‘Ben and I had a relationship during lockdown. We started out as friends and dutifully kept our distance but always ended up making out on the sofa. It was weird: he’d get to second base and then up and leave, just when it was getting hot and heavy. I couldn’t work it out. I thought maybe he just wasn’t into me.
One night he did stick around and revealed the most enormous penis I’d ever seen. (His nickname with my friends is ‘The Big Banana’.) It was so big, it never really got hard. When we did have penetrative sex, which was rare, it felt like he was pushing a marshmallow into a parking meter. It was all so awkward! He’d use one hand and try to stuff it in. He wasn’t comfortable talking about any of this, so we never did.
We quite liked each other but not enough to continue seeing each other once lockdown lifted.’
The sex: ‘I never knew if you were into me sexually or not. I struggle with sex a bit. I need to feel like the woman is really into me – really wants to be there – before I can relax and enjoy it. Physically, I’m confident: my penis is bigger than most, so I don’t need to worry about that. But I worry the rest of my body doesn’t measure up. I know you’ve gone out with buff guys in the past and I was conscious of my stomach jiggling around. I’m not sure if you faked orgasm the whole time. Did you?’
The relationship: ‘We met during Covid and I doubt we’d have ever become anything other than friends under normal circumstances. I figured I was more into you than you were me and didn’t try to see you afterward lockdown lifted because I figured that was just the deal. We had lots of laughs though and I miss you.’
RESPONSE FROM LOUISE: ‘Interesting that he figured his big penis was a plus when that was what made things awkward! He’s probably right the relationship was a bit lopsided but I didn’t care less that he was carrying Covid kilos – I was as well. And he got me: yes, I was faking some of the time.’
‘YOU DIDN’T EVEN LOOK AT ME DURING SEX’
Jess, 28, was with her husband for nine years
‘I didn’t speak to my ex-husband for four years after we split but we’ve made peace now for the sake of our two girls. I’m genuinely intrigued as to what he will say on both counts. I’m guessing that I was the one who went off sex and so it’s my fault it all went pear-shaped.
I’d say we split because we had kids too early. I’m not sure why we didn’t wait for a bit. We both love our girls though, so maybe it doesn’t matter in the end.’
The sex: ‘It was all fun and games the first few years. You’d put on nice lingerie, we’d watch porn, try all sorts of positions. You used to love me doing it from behind. Four years and two kids later, it was me on top, no kissing and no enthusiasm from you at all. You didn’t even look at me during sex.
I know that’s what happens in most relationships after kids but because we had such great sex at the start, I felt extra ripped off. I know you were tired from looking after the girls, but you didn’t even offer up the odd BJ. You’ve told me to be brutally honest, so I will be. I never really did like your BJs! I know you think you are great at giving them so didn’t have to the heart to tell you that your technique just didn’t do it for me.’
The relationship: ‘All was great until the kids came along. Then it felt like you blamed me for everything: the horrible pregnancies and births, no sleep, no time for ‘you’. I think you resented me being able to escape and go to work, but I was feeling the pressure, too, just in a different way. I worried constantly about money. I wish we’d made it for the kid’s sake, but I think all has worked out quite well now, all things considered.’
RESPONSE FROM JESS
‘I’m annoyed about the BJ comment because I’ve never pretended to be good at them. I think I mentioned once that an ex liked getting them from me but that was the extent of it. Why didn’t he speak up if he didn’t like what I was doing? He never offered to give me no-obligation oral sex either, by the way. It cuts both ways.
His answer about the relationship is exactly what I’d expect him to say. No surprises there because I’ve heard it all before. We were always competing for the ‘who is worse off?’ award.’
Listen to Tracey on the Diary of a CEO podcast here. You’ll find her podcast, products, books and blog on traceycox.com.