Every day — possibly every minute of every day — a new word is coined. One of the most recent is ‘Doesband’, defined as a husband who ‘has his own hectic job, but still does his fair share at home without being asked . . . He puts the bins out before they smell, remembers the present for someone else’s kid’s birthday next weekend’.
But what of all the others? Here is an exclusive preview of tomorrow’s words for all the types of husband…
Blushband: A husband who is easily embarrassed.
Buzzband: Buzzbands are always ‘on’ — rushing around, cracking jokes, re-arranging the furniture, jogging, howling with laughter, jigging their legs up and down, inviting the neighbours over, talking on the telephone, writing letters of complaint, putting on funny voices, jingling the loose change in his pockets, and generally driving his wife potty.
Clumsband: Clumsbands preface everything they say with either ‘Whoops!’ or ‘Sorry!’ eg ‘Whoops! I’ve dropped the vase!’ ‘Sorry, I just fell downstairs!’
‘He puts the bins out before they smell, remembers the present for someone else’s kid’s birthday next weekend’
Cussband: A husband who is always swearing, usually at inanimate objects. ‘Why the ****ing **ll won’t this kettle ****ing boil?’ ‘Who put that ****ing brick there, just so I could stub my ****ing toe on it?’
Dumbsband: If your husband thinks you haven’t noticed that he hasn’t taken the bins out, and that he’s just eaten the present for someone else’s kid’s birthday.
Fussband: ‘There’s a mark on the carpet that wasn’t there yesterday.’ ‘That light bulb will soon need changing.’ ‘Sorry, can’t stop — I’ve just spotted a weed on the lawn.’ ‘I’m worried there’ll be roadworks on the A12 and we might be better going on the B1078.’
Gushband: ‘You’re looking simply GORGEOUS tonight!’ ‘These scrambled eggs you’ve made are SIMPLY BEYOND COMPARE, my darling!’
Hissband: A hissband undermines any activity by hissing something caustic. ‘Whenever we are about to enter a party, or someone’s house, my hissband always snaps: “This was all your idea. From the start, I said we shouldn’t come.” ’
Hoseband: Always out watering the garden. ‘Looks as though those petunias could do with a drink.’
Humsband: Can’t stop humming the Match Of The Day theme tune under his breath, or any tune by Abba, or the ‘Go Compare’ song, particularly when cooking, driving or keeping himself to himself.
Husbinned: A former husband. ‘When he irritated me just once too often, I decided to dump him. And now that he’s my husbinned, we get on so much better.’ (See also Wasband.)
Hushband: A husband who sits in the corner, never making a noise. ‘I only realised my hushband was in the house when I sat on him by mistake, and he let out a tiny little yelp, like a very quiet squeak.’
Klutzband: An American clumsband.
Lushband: Can be relied upon to look at his watch and say: ‘Is that the time? I might just give myself a little top up,’ then finish the bottle.
Mumsband: A husband who wants everything to be just as his mother would want it. The mumsband always remembers his mother’s birthday, but never his wife’s.
Mustband: The type of man who, when not telling you what you should have done yesterday, is busy advising you on what you should do tomorrow. He thinks he can get away with it by saying ‘We’ instead of ‘You’, eg ‘We must remember to renew our car tax tomorrow.’
Mushband: Prides himself on making stews out of old leftovers.
Nurseband: ‘Oooh! That looks like a nasty scratch! You’d better do something about it.’
Poseband: A husband with a cravat.
Rushband: ‘Sorry — no time to empty the dishwasher! Must rush!’
Rustband: ‘Oooh, my back’s gone again.’ ‘I think there’s something wrong with my knee.’ ‘Could you pick that up? I’m feeling a bit dizzy.’ ‘I would do the washing up, but, ouch, I’ve cricked my neck.’
Shushband: Is always intent on listening to the weather forecast. ‘Shush! They’re saying it’ll be changeable over the weekend.’
Tutband: Always knows better. ‘Tut tut! This salad dressing would have been much better with less vinegar.’
Wasband: A former husband. ‘It was when my husband stopped putting out the bins that I decided to divorce him.’
Zzzzusband: Spends most of his time fast asleep, while insisting he’s wide awake. ‘Best not wake my zzzzusband, or he’ll tell me he hasn’t slept a wink.’